Ditch Self-Esteem. Befriend Self-Compassion.

The self-esteem movement is everywhere. Western culture is obsessed with maintaining a positive self-image, from the billion-dollar beauty industry to schools, governments, and thousands of self-esteem literature. We apparently must have high self-esteem to be healthy and prosperous while avoiding anything that will endanger our "positive" perception of ourselves.

For example, in 1986, the State of California started a Task Force on Self-Esteem and Social Responsibility with an annual budget of a quarter million dollars. The mission was to raise children's self-esteem, resulting in less bullying, teen pregnancy, crime, and drug abuse. By doing so, they estimated that high self-esteem in children would eventually pay off in tax revenues because people with high self-esteem also tend to earn more. The efficacy of the self-esteem initiative was reported to be a terrible failure. A journal review of self-esteem literature concluded that self-esteem did not improve job performance, leadership skills, or academic achievement, nor did it prevent children from taking drugs, smoking, drinking, and engaging in early and risky sex. Also, bullies do not harm others because they have low self-esteem; it's the opposite. They likely have high self-esteem. Picking on others is a way to feel strong and superior. The one thing that obsession with high self-esteem will likely cause is narcissism.

Now, I am not promoting a negative self-image. I enjoy supporting myself with positive affirmations. Feeling satisfied with yourself is essential to healthy living, and, of course, there is healthy self-esteem. Low self-esteem is also painful and distorts your self-image and life experiences. However, self-esteem can be dangerous when it's mainly tied to external aspects and validation, like concepts of prestige, status, materialism, other people's approval, money, likes, compliments, etc.

What exactly is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is an assessment of our worth, a judgment or perception that we are good and valuable. It's our capacity to feel and perceive ourselves as competent in domains of personal significance. Personal relevance/significance is a critical aspect of the definition. For example, I may excel at reading comprehension but be terrible at calculus. That can only impact my self-esteem if I value being good at reading or calculus. A common approach to maintaining high self-esteem would be to value the things I am good at and devalue the things I'm not good at. Self-esteem can also stem from how we believe that others perceive/judge us. We feel good if we think others have a positive outlook on us. If not, we spiral into negativity. Research shows that strangers are more likely to strongly influence our self-esteem than friends or family. Various external influences can heavily impact our self-esteem, which forces us to expend so much energy trying to keep our self-esteem high. It costs too much to feel good about yourself.

Contingent self-worth.

Contingent self-worth is a term that describes self-esteem based on success or failure, the approval or disapproval of others, and social comparison. Some common domains of contingent self-worth are peer approval, competition with others, personal attractiveness, academic or professional success, feeling righteous, family support, and love from religious idols and God. The danger here is that you will experience an unhealthy emotional rollercoaster, from ecstasy to heartbreak, in one moment. For example, you may base your self-esteem on compliments. You go to work wearing a bold outfit, and you receive compliments that leave you smiling big time. Then your work crush brushes you off, or worse yet, makes fun of your outfit. There go all the good feelings about yourself. Self-esteem is down the drain. Eventually, it'll go back up, but it takes too much effort for a quick high and impending downfall. You will fail. You will get criticized, disapproved of, and maybe even hated.

Change the source of feeling good. Self-compassion and appreciation.

Defining our worth with judgments and assessments is more painful than assuring. What if we changed the source? If positive feelings towards yourself came from your heart and not your mind. Self-compassion does not attempt to assess or define our worth or the significance of who we are. No labels or judgments. Instead, it's based on relating to our ever-changing, fluid, and mysterious selves. It recognizes that all beings have strengths and weaknesses, instead of mentally spiraling and trying to understand if we are good or bad, justifying ourselves or loathing. We can stay present and realize our successes and failures are an aspect of life, not the determining factor of our worth. You are inherently worthy and do not need external factors to assess you. We are fragile and imperfect, yet resilient and magnificent.

Self-compassion is how we take care of ourselves. Self-compassion steps in when you do fail or feel incompetent. First, you empathize with the emotions you feel and treat yourself with softness. I speak to myself out loud but feel free to keep it internal. "Aw, my love, I'm so sorry you feel like a failure. That is a very difficult emotion. I'm sorry you're in pain." Soothe yourself physically, hug yourself, and hold your hand. Reassure yourself that you will be okay. Think of and feel where this painful emotion might be in your body, imagine your child self, and mentally or physically caress yourself. Remind yourself that this is a moment of suffering, a part of life. Have a mantra ready for when things go wrong. This is an example from Self Compassion by Kristen Neff. "It's painful for me to feel this now. This is a part of being human. May I hold my pain with tenderness. I am worthy of receiving self-compassion."

Ask yourself how you want to feel. Sad? Happy? Content? Sometimes I choose and let myself feel like the saddest person on earth. While sad, I enjoy writing poetry, crying, and listening to mellow music. I love doing most of them at the same time. Whatever you decide to feel, ask how you can support yourself. If you want to feel happy, ask yourself what action could support you. Or if a friend has any capacity to help. Lead your emotions/energy, and once it has served its purpose, allow its release. Avoiding your emotions causes energy to get stuck in your mind, body, and soul; it's your job to show it the way out by feeling it. It's okay if that takes time; you deserve self-empathy.

When times are bright, use self-appreciation.

Self-appreciation differs from self-esteem because it's centered around connecting and realizing the shared human experience. Self-esteem is usually based on the separation of self and competition. Self-appreciation points out similarities with others, realizing that everyone has strengths. Being able to celebrate the collective allows you to feel appreciation for the "small" things, like being able to take a deep breath or enjoy nature. Instead of trying to capture our uniqueness to feel joy, we can enjoy the common human experience. When we do see the unique aspects of ourselves, we can appreciate them in the context of acknowledging our interconnected nature. We can also relate to the goodness in us while not needing to drag others down to feel worthy. It allows you to recognize and celebrate your success and others' achievements simultaneously. When things in our lives are good, use gratitude and savor them.

Here is a self-esteem exercise from the book Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff

Exercise One

Identifying the Trickster

1. List up to ten aspects of yourself that play a significant role in your self-esteem—things that either make you feel good or bad about yourself (job performance, role as a parent, weight, etc.).

2. Ask yourself the following questions as they relate to each item and consider whether your answers change how you think about things. Are there ways in which the trickster of self-esteem is leading you astray?

Q1. Do I want to feel better than others, or feel connected?

Q2. Does my worth come from being special, or from being human?

Q3. Do I want to be perfect or to be healthy?

The journey to incorporating self-compassion and appreciation requires practice and self-awareness. Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff provides ample resources and support to transition from relying on self-esteem to compassion.

If you'd like to read this book, email theragecoach22@gmail.com with the subject "Free Self-Compassion." I will send you the e-book for free.

Be kind to yourself! :)